Teresa

God and a desire to do His will, though in‬‭ childish rebellion I frequently protested attending Mass or praying at home. However, in middle‬‭ school, urged by my older sister, I attended a Catholic summer camp and encountered God‬‭ powerfully and personally in Adoration. I received the grace of a conviction that God is real and‬‭ if He is real then I must give Him everything. It was not a life transformation overnight but there‬‭ was certainly a heart shift and I began to value Mass, the Sacraments, and prayer more. Over‬‭ time, I grew in virtue and love of the Sacraments and prayer (especially by the encouragement‬‭ of my older sister, Sarah).‬

‭As an 8th grader, I suddenly became convinced of a call to religious life. I’m still unsure where‬‭ this came from because at this point I had no desire for it. But I prayed that the Lord would turn‬‭ my heart to desire His will. After wrestling with and overthinking the question of vocation for‬‭ about a year and going on a trip to visit several convents, I set it aside and determined I must‬‭ not be called to religious life because I desired too much to be a mother and wife.‬

‭My senior year of high school, I studied abroad in Poland and without a good community, I lost‬‭ my daily prayer life and for a time grew distant from God. Upon returning to the US, the witness‬‭ of my sister’s virtue and joy called me to repentance and I returned to the Lord.‬

‭Because of my lapse in daily prayer in Poland, I was determined that I would not make the‬‭ same mistakes in college so I readily committed to daily Mass and Adoration. Over the next few‬‭ years, my love for the Lord continued to grow quietly but strongly until I was in my 3rd year in‬‭ college.‬

‭That spring I was sitting in Adoration and realizing that I never wanted to live a life where I‬‭ couldn’t be in Adoration at least an hour a day. Thinking of my mother’s life, I knew most moms‬‭ don’t get to have that luxury. It was as if the Lord was inviting me to re-open the door to religious‬‭ life. This time, I opened the door readily and with great trust. There was very little wrestling‬‭ involved–though I was still unsure if I was called to religious life, I trusted that the Lord would‬‭ lead me where I was called and that He was leading me this way for a reason.‬

‭After 9 months of being open to this vocation in prayer and intentionally visiting a few religious‬‭ orders, I was on a retreat with the Handmaids of the Heart of Jesus in New Ulm, MN. A sister‬‭ shared a testimony of her spiritual motherhood and spiritual espousal with Christ. It was like‬‭ something clicked in my heart and I knew it was enough. I knew that being a spiritual bride and‬‭ mother was enough for my heart and in fact was the only thing that would satisfy my heart.‬

‭There was a definite shift in the way I discerned religious life after that retreat. I was no longer‬‭ someone simply open to religious life, but committed to it and simply looking for the order that‬‭ the Lord was calling me to.‬

‭Over the next couple of years, I visited a few more orders but did not feel the Lord calling me to‬‭ any of them. In January of 2022, in prayer, I was talking to God about all of the dreams I have‬‭ for my life: I want to travel to so many countries and speak so many languages and do so many‬‭ types of ministry and I couldn’t possibly imagine how all of these dreams could be possible in‬‭ one lifetime. And so I asked the Lord, “How do you want to fulfill these desires?” and I felt a still‬‭ small voice suggest, “What if the fulfillment of these desires, is actually in the denial of them?” I‬‭ was shocked but took a moment to ponder this. Just like my desire for Motherhood would‬‭ actually be most fulfilled in the denial of its earthly expression, what if all of my desires were the‬‭ same way? I continued to ponder this in prayer for weeks. I knew that the denial meant‬ cloistered life but I did not know any cloisters. The closest thing I knew of, was an order of active‬‭ Carmelites in California. So I reached out to them. After one phone call we discerned I should‬‭ visit. While I was with them, I did not want their active life of mission at all (which was very odd‬‭ for me because I am normally very excited about the opportunity to serve others), but I couldn’t‬ get enough of their life of prayer.‬

‭As I left my visit with the Carmelites of the Sacred Heart of Los Angeles, I knew that the‬‭ Carmelite Spirituality had stolen my heart and I began to search for a Carmelite Cloister that I‬‭ might inquire with. I was quickly able to find out about the existence of the Carmelite Cloister in‬‭ Lake Elmo but it was quite the project to find any contact information for them. It was February‬‭ of 2023 before I finally called the Cloister and began conversations with Mother about‬‭ discerning with them.‬

‭My initial inquiries were riddled with fear – I was afraid of the mystery of these nuns, afraid of‬‭ leaving my family, afraid of the life of penance – but something kept urging me on. For some‬‭ reason, I knew I had to keep inquiring and I couldn’t let fear hold me back. In March, when I‬‭ came for my first official visit to the speak room and met Mother Marie Anges and Mother Marie,‬‭ all fear melted away. I saw the joy on their faces and the peace in their hearts and I knew that‬‭ they knew the same Jesus that I knew. I drove away from that first visit unsure how I felt but as‬‭ the weeks passed, God continued to invite me to pursue this extreme and exclusive gift of self.‬

‭By the time I returned for a visit in May of 2023, I was fairly convicted of a call to the cloistered‬‭ Carmelite life. Over the last two years I have continued to discern with them, and in April of 2025 I was finally accepted. My heart leaps‬‭ for joy to think of this quiet and tucked away life of penance with my beloved and I look forward‬‭ to falling more and more in love with Him everyday for the rest of my life.‬

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