Patrick

Catholic. Growing up my parents instilled in us virtues of excellence in school particularly. They taught us to treat others with respect and kindness. I owe many of my best qualities to them. More than this, they modeled what it meant to love someone. This love was not simply the feeling of love but the actual fullness of love in offering oneself to another. I saw how my parents sacrificed and served one another and their children. I remember vividly how my father would help me with my homework every night no matter what the situation was. He could have had a bad day at work, or maybe he was having a rough patch with my mother as all married couples do. He still always showed up to be that helping hand. To this day my parents remain a constant support in my life that never ceases to falter. This example shaped how I viewed my future relationships with people as well as my relationship with God.

My mother had us all raised in the faith and so we received catechesis in the form of Catholic Child Development(CCD) through the local parish St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Dumont, NJ. When it comes to my relationship with God, I had very little understanding of who He was but I did know that God loved me. I knew of Jesus but I never really associated Him as the center of my life. I had this idea that God was more of a far off deity that possesses a simple affection for us rather than Him being capital L, Love. The more particular aspects of the Catholic faith were lost upon like the Eucharist and the Cross.

When I was in my high school years, soon after my 8th grade Confirmation, I found myself shifting almost entirely away from God. The only exception was the Mass on Christmas Eve. My memory of Masses before my real conviction took place are very foggy. I do remember having what one may describe as a cordial relationship with God. In my mind I was on good terms with him and a “good” person. Needless to say, this was not God’s end goal for me. He wanted to be more than just friendly with me. He eventually made it known to me that He desired me with His whole heart.

It all started in my first year of college when I was prompted by someone dear to me to read scripture and try to pray. I remember starting from the very beginning in the book of Genesis and fumbling my way through parts of the old testament. Prayer amounted to me saying “whats up” to God each night. My heart was not fully on fire for the Lord yet, it was the spark to a flame that would eventually engulf my heart.

While I was late into my freshman year of college I met a few of the Catholic missionaries on campus that worked with the campus ministry. I remember being struck by how joyful and genuine they all were. The campus ministry introduced me to bible study and a deep learning of the Catholic faith. My understanding of the Gospel became far clearer so that I could eventually accept its message with my whole heart. Even further I began to understand how much God really desires me. This challenged my original thoughts of who God was to me. I finally understood that God was a loving Father who loved me with this infinite magnitude that I could not begin to accurately describe. Prayer was no longer just a box to check but time I spent with the one who truly loved me and I Him.

I remember my call to pursue a vocation came in the form of my continued participation in the liturgy. During my 3rd year of college I began to altar serve during campus masses and whenever the opportunity arose like during pilgrimages or retreats. Over time I got to know priests of various dioceses and religious orders. As I spoke to these men who have devoted themselves entirely to God, I felt a warmth permeate in my heart. Their love for the liturgy, and the mission of the church guided their every action. I originally believed that I would live this same service through the vocation of marriage. This desire dominated most of my young adult life before and after reconversion, but somehow I knew there was something more God wanted to show me.

It was not until after I received what I believe to be a call to pursue the vocation of priesthood that I began to act. I was at a conference during mass and adoration. The same words rang in my mind like a bell, “come and see.” Admittedly I felt skeptical about this being a call. I spoke about this with a spiritual director and many other priests, and the next step became very clear. Speak with a vocations director and begin the application process.

After speaking with the vocations director and continuing my discernment I realized God may be calling me even closer to him. I felt an additional urge to give my full self to him even more so than priesthood. I felt a desire for brotherhood bound in obedience, chastity and poverty so that everything I am belonged to God and his church. After discerning on multiple retreats I decided to apply for the Carmelite friars.

I hope to join the Carmelite friars of the St. Elias Province. The Carmelites serve the community and local parishes while also being bound in brotherhood. Through them I hope to lead people to God through my words, deeds and offering of the Sacraments. I look forward to being able to perform these services while relying on the support of my brothers in the order.

Knowing myself, I know that I would fail to be half the man that God intends me to be if I was alone. This is a big reason why I seek religious life, so that I would live constantly with brothers to help guide me and understand God’s will in my life. The reason why the Carmelites speak to me the most is their charism of prayer. Prayer was how God brought me close to Him. It was through prayer and times in adoration, when there was no noise but His voice that I have truly felt His love. This focus on prayer and relationship pushes me towards Carmel.

My friend who is reading this, please do this world a favor and pray for the discernment of vocations. There are many fears people have, myself included, when it comes to taking the steps to discern deeper. Pray for them and myself that we can discern well and be obedient to God’s call for us in life. I thank you for your consideration.