St. Therese once wrote, “I know, O my God! that the more You want to give, the more You make us desire.” When I first read that, I knew that the Lord has an amazing way of fulfilling the desires of our hearts, however imperfect they may be, in His perfect plan. He can change our hearts if we are willing, and we just need the courage to say yes without hesitation. I often look back at my own childhood and smile at how God has led me to Him since then and how He made me realize that He was the answer to my wishes and dreams all along.
No flashes of lightning or moments of revelation played a role in my life— just a constant draw toward the Lord. I was raised in a Catholic homeschooling family, so I grew up watching EWTN and reading the lives of the saints. My family was and is very close, and I was given a solid foundation in my faith from the beginning. I was always open to the idea of a religious vocation, but I just never thought it could happen to me. I’m from a small town in Eastern Washington, and I didn’t meet a nun until I was in junior high! I assumed I would become a wife and mother like my own mom, and dreamed of falling in love, getting married and having lots of children. Like every young girl, I loved a good love story, whether in a book or a movie, and would insert myself as the heroine in the stories. I would imagine what my Prince Charming would be like – when would I meet Him? How would He sweep me off my fect? Little did I know then who He might be, and how He would woo me.
Growing up, I had a desire to do something great with my life – that could be anything from being a famous ballerina or concert pianist to a columnist with my name in print at a national newspaper. But beyond all those things, I knew that most of all I wanted to be holy, to be what God calls all of us to be— a saint. I didn’t know where that desire might lead me, but when I left home to start school at Franciscan University of Steubenville, I was ready for the adventure.
I dove into the vibrant Catholic culture at Franciscan right away. Looking back now, I can see how God prepared me to answer my vocation call by letting me practice submission to His will in little things. I joined a household, Sacrifice of Love, during my freshman year, in which I was challenged to imitate the crucified Christ in my daily life. Our household covenant says, “Just as Christ loved me so greatly that He made the ultimate sacrifice of His own life, so I too want to sacrifice my needs and desires for Christ and others.” I began to try to live this covenant in little ways each day, in my homework and my friendships, trying to do “small things with great love,” as Bl. Teresa of Calcutta said.
I never dated at all, in high school or in college. I felt secure in the love that my own wonderful father had for me, and the love that the Heavenly Father had for me, but I still wanted something more – to be caught up in a love story. At the end of my freshman year, I went on a weekend retreat for young women called Capture My Heart, an opportunity to grow in an intimate relationship with Jesus. I expected it to be filled with corny messages about femininity, and I was a little skeptical. But I was surprised during the retreat by how much I was moved. I had never before thought of the Lord as a lover who wanted to pursue me and who wanted to fill every desire of my heart. In one weekend, my whole spiritual life was changed; my relationship with Jesus was changed. He wanted to take me even deeper into the love story He was writing for me.
God was calling me to have a closer relationship with Him, but for me that didn’t necessarily mean that marriage and children were ruled out just yet. I did start to consider religious life more after that retreat, but it wasn’t until later that I became more serious about it. I began spending more time in Eucharistic adoration, time in silence to listen to the Lord and the stirrings in my heart.
In the fall of my junior year, I heard a homily by one of the Franciscan friars on campus about Jesus’ command to pick up our crosses and follow Him. He gave a number of examples of how we could do this in our own lives, including this one: if you’re discerning a religious vocation, go on a discernment retreat! I could have been the only one in the room when he said that, because he was speaking right to me. I knew I needed to play a more active role in at least considering religious life— and how could I do that if I hadn’t even visited a convent? I started researching websites and was soon overwhelmed by all of the communities. I looked up the Franciscan Sisters, TOR of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother because I knew some of them ministered to the students on campus. I saw that they had a retreat planned for fall break weekend and immediately signed up.
Any hesitation I still had about religious life just dissolved when I was with the TORs – there was no place more natural for me to be, no place more joyful and genuine that I had ever been. I was blown away by how much their sisterhood reminded me of my household, and even my own family. They were just normal women, each with their own story, who had been transformed by the love of Christ in their lives. I couldn’t help but fall in love with their examples of joyful submission to the will of God. I began to think that I would not be able to resist saying yes if the Lord did ask me to be His bride.
One day during the fall semester of my senior year, I went bridesmaid dress shopping with some friends. In one of the stores, while we were waiting for the bride-to-be to try on a dress, I went through one of the racks filled with beautiful white dresses, some with silver beads, some with pearls, some with long trains. I can still remember moving my hands through the dresses, and hearing distinctly in my mind the words: “This is not for me.” I knew that I would not be that kind of bride. At first I felt sadness, but then this supernatural joy. I knew that was God, speaking in His own quiet way, telling me His plan was so much greater.
I went on another discernment retreat with a Franciscan community in Indiana, but the whole time all I could think about were the TORs. I couldn’t ignore that, so I got back in touch with the vocation director and planned a Come and See visit for January. When I was able to live their daily life with them for those four short days, I knew it was the life I was longing for. It became clear to me that the sisters’ life of prayer and of sacrifice was the life of holiness always wanted to lead. So I kept coming back. After a longer visit during my spring break, I was invited to start the application process. By God’s grace I did! Like everything else in my life, I had to trust that the Lord would fulfill His promises at the perfect time, and He continues to do that, to my amazement. As Psalm 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
I know that I owe my vocation to Our Lady’s protection and guidance. On Dec. 8, 2008, I consecrated myself to Mary using St. Louis de Montfort’s prayer of consecration. In May 2009, on a mission trip to Lourdes, I knelt in the grotto where Mary appeared to St. Bernadette and prayed for direction for my life, for the strength to respond to my call. I know that she is interceding for me and constantly leading me to the foot of the cross, to love and suffer with her Son. And I pray that I will remain there for the rest of my life.
2011 Grant Recipient
