Luke

serving a Pontifical Solemn High Mass and noting the way the celebrating Bishop delivered his sermon. His warm yet deliberate tone of voice was so pleasing, and I remember thinking about imitating him if I ever gave sermons. The priesthood thoughts were consistently present during that time, but over the next couple of years, I realized that I had no life experience and I had no idea what I should be doing with my life, and college was the best thing for me.

I began studying at Christendom College in Front Royal, Virginia, which was certainly an adjustment, and I went into it with these big questions about life and what I would do with my own life. I rarely thought about the priesthood now, but I still had some vague idea about living a life dedicated to some apostolate. For some reason I had the idea that I was not going to get married, but I wasn’t sure what I would end up doing.

The latter half of my sophomore year saw some changes. I had fully adapted to this new phase in my life and felt ready for whatever life would bring. It was then that I decided to crack down on career exploration and get my life figured out. Again the question of my vocation came up and it was frustrating because I felt like I didn’t know what to do. I still had these vague ideas about a life dedicated to God. I had thought about the priesthood many times, but I felt that much of what attracted me to that vocation was also found in the lay state. The Church is in need of good laymen just as much as she needs good priests. I remembered how I had always had this idea about not being called to marriage, and I started to question why. For one thing, my high school was run by an organization of lay men who did not marry, and I thought perhaps I had these ideas because I was formed by this particular group. So I thought that maybe I should pursue marriage, and there were plenty of lovely long ladies at my school to consider this with.

These were some of the thoughts that accompanied this crucial time in my life, and during this time I felt that I had grown in so many ways and was ready to take on some sort of commitment and responsibility. I did a lot of research into the fields I wanted to explore, applied to internships, and completed several online courses that would help me meet my goals.

Furthermore, that semester was my best as far as academics are concerned. I passed all of my classes with flying colors and attained a 4.0 GPA. But I still did not feel fulfilled by this. Acing my classes and excelling in my other responsibilities, such as work and extracurriculars, was not enough. I remember referring to this as my “crisis of purpose.” I desperately wanted some fulfillment, commitment, and purpose to live for. I thought I might find this in a romantic relationship, as there was a young lady I developed strong feelings for. The only problem was I did not know her that well, and since she was outside of my immediate circle of friends, I did not know how to move forward without making a fool of myself. I felt powerless to do anything.

Anyway this was on my mind more than it should have been. Additionally, I still had some vague ideas about maybe being called to a higher vocation. But it was just a vague idea and nothing concrete. That semester ended and throughout summer these thoughts remained in the back of my mind. But events turned out for the better when I found out she had started dating someone over the summer. As soon as I found out, there was a sense of relief and peace. I was glad that that door had finally closed and that it was beyond me to do anything about it. That semester was a challenge academically and I resolved to buckle down on my schoolwork and wait until the Rome semester that spring, which I knew would be amazing.

My main takeaway from this incredible time in Rome was a burning love for the Church and her mission of saving souls and spreading the good news of the Gospel. As the semester drew to a close, I dreaded returning home to the modern pace of life in the United States. I desperately wanted to hold onto the beauty and holiness I had encountered in Rome and the other amazing places I visited in Europe. But some things must end whether we want them to or not, so I resolved to take what I had experienced during my Rome semester and share it with others. I wanted to always live by that fire that was burning in my soul during my time in Rome, a desire to be part of the Church’s mission of saving souls and spreading the Gospel.

I loved the idea of saving souls and being part of the mission of the Church but that

was all so vague and was not concrete. I had no particular desire to say Mass, or administer the

sacraments, which is what the priesthood is all about. But over the next couple of days I began to

enjoy it there. I felt that I would thrive at the seminary as that way of life was very natural to me.

So the thought of applying came up. I met with the vocations director who mentioned among other things that if I did choose to come there, there were organizations that could help me cover my student loans. That was a relief to hear because my student debt would have prevented me from pursuing a vocation for a considerable amount of time. Meeting with the vocations director was helpful but I was still not in a place to make a decision. I did not know what to do. I liked the idea of coming there, but then there was this relationship as well. I did not want a girl to hold me back from pursuing God’s will, but I had to be surer about pursuing the priesthood before giving up that relationship. This dilemma was the focus of my prayer during those days, and I prayed very intensely about it. But throughout this time I began to love life at the seminary more and more. My final day there, it all came to a culmination. I loved it there. I basically forgot about that first day and the whole ordeal of getting pulled over and anger that caused. I felt so alive and it seemed that all of the energy and motivation that had flooded my soul during Rome and Totus Tuus was reawakened. Part of this experience was that my soul was inflamed with a renewed sense of what I experienced during Mass in Assisi. I had this burning desire to set the world on fire, to save souls, and spread the Gospel. It was as if Assisi had given me one piece of the puzzle and I had just found the other piece. I had been writing down everything that came to mind during my stay there and one thing I wrote was “I wish so much that God would call me here; if God would call be here, I would not complain.” The words of the psalmist resonated with me, namely when he said, “zeal for your house has consumed me.” Another verse that spoke to me in that moment was the famous quote of St. Irenaeus: “the glory of God is man fully alive!” It was at that moment that I felt fully alive and fully myself. There was this brief moment in which it seemed that everything that had happened in the last two years suddenly made sense and that the whole time God had been leading me there and was inviting me to pursue that path. The peace that flooded my soul was incredible.

I went to Mass and prayed about it, wanting another sign about what I should do and when walking back to my pew after receiving Communion I noticed a bag leaning against a pew, belonging to a woman a few rows in front of me. On the bag were the words “You are Called.” I laughed to myself after reading this. Maybe it was just a coincidence or maybe God wanted to use that to reassure me again. My analytical brain wanted sign after sign, on top of the signs God had already given me. Over time however, I have learned that God wants us to walk by faith, and no matter how often or to what extent I analyze or overthink a decision, 100% certainty is impossible to achieve and that is just fine, because the Christian life is a journey of Faith and trust. That being said, I know that I am called to trust God. Some days I ask myself why I applied to the seminary. Some days I wonder if this was all a huge mistake. But even amidst this racing thoughts and anxiety, I know that God is in control and even if I cannot see where I am going, I trust that He can.