"They shall run and not be weary."
Michael shares his story:
One day at Adoration, I felt a deep peace. I realized that God was in control of everything, and that no matter what happens, I’m in His hands. It was a moment of surrender.
Some time after, I had the death of a close family member come. It was devastating, I had to quit my job to help with family back home, and it
placed me in a catharsis similar to when I first came back to the faith. What did I want to do with my life? Did I want to go to graduate school? Did I want to continue with my job? Did I want to get married?
After a night of worrying, I decided to put an inquiry in with a religious order known for their devotion to Our Lady. I didn’t expect much to come of it. Days later, back in NY, I was sleeping one morning when I unexpectedly got a call from a well-known priest in the order asking me if I wanted to do a “come and see”. Suddenly, a profound sense of purpose came. It felt like I had a plan again. I did my Marian Consecration that summer, and I felt a renewed sense that Our Lady was taking care of me.
Before I had a chance to visit that community, I contacted another order. I once again did not think much of it, but in due time I scheduled a visit with them. Prior to my visit, I had never ever been in a religious cloister of any kind, nor had I ever woken up at 4 in the morning for prayer. I got to know the order, and I instantly fell in love with the life they live. It was like nothing else I had experienced. After having spent 10 days with the order, I felt renewed.
On a hunch one day, I decided to meet the vocation director for a diocese in Upstate New York, where I had gone to school and lived after college. On his advice, I decided to enroll as a seminarian. Even though in my heart I still wanted to be religious, I thought it would be good to at least give diocesan priesthood a try. As my first year of seminary drew to an end, my desire for religious life had been made even more clear, and I knew that diocesan life was not for me.
I applied to enter postulancy in the fall for the order I visited. I confess that prior to postulancy, I mostly still thought of my time at the seminary as a waste – I could have spent my time instead in the order that I wanted to join. Postulancy would be even more difficult for me. The isolation of being in the cloister was difficult, but above all, the lack of interaction with the outside world was brutal. I slept little, and I am a person that needs almost 8 hours of sleep. I also struggled with intense back pain that progressively got worse as a postulant.
While I deeply respect and have much appreciation for the order I joined, and I am grateful for the experiences I had there, I can honestly say that I did not foresee everything I would experience with my discernment visits. I suppose you could say that there was no way to really know what it was like without actually joining I yearned for the time I spent at the seminary the entire duration of my postulancy. The order was so different, and I had a huge change of perspective. My previous perspective was completely wrong. I had benefitted from my year at the seminary in so many ways. The social interaction, the human formation, and learning to be with others who were different, as well as the spiritual formation was so vital for me growing as a person. It was a great preparation for my postulancy. Had I joined postulancy without my time in seminary, I would have been even less ready than I was.
Overall, I am immensely grateful for my time there and I believe it was necessary to prepare me for my road ahead. One of the difficulties I faced during this time was that I had prayed about joining another order I thought was heaven-sent. It had the same spirituality I was looking for, was in an area I was familiar with, and was not far from NY either. Their religious houses and parishes were all near metropolitan areas, very different from the rural, small town area that the other order was in. In addition, they were mostly involved with ministry work with the public.
While at the retreat center, I had contacted an order called the Fathers of Mercy. They were an active, missionary order known for their orthodox preaching. Though I had never met a Father of Mercy, I figured I’d at least give it a shot.
My visit with the Fathers of Mercy gave me a conviction that God was calling me to join them. I know God closes some doors and opens others. Though many would deride my journey as being indecisive, I am truly grateful for all the twists and turns I have taken. Diocesan seminary, postulancy, and the time spent away from formation were all key for my growing relationship with Jesus.
I myself have been discouraged in the past and tempted to the attitude of despair. Yet God has been with me this whole time.
“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.“
“Those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. “
