Stay with me
Br. Pascal shares his vocation story:
I was raised in Round Rock, Texas, by my mother and father who were Baptists. My mother would wake me up each morning before elementary school to drink hot chocolate and read the scriptures. My father travelled frequently for work, but when he was home, we would play chess and watch TV. I was never
very competitive with the other children, but both of my parents were, so I competed often in chess, speed skating, and other things.I remember telling my mom about a dream I had to open a coffee/board game shop. Looking back, I believe what I truly desired, and still desire, is to help create a space for children to feel safe, make friends, and be able to have fun exploring things like chess, without pressure. The predominant qualities of my personality at this age were an insatiable curiosity and a strong sense of right and wrong.
Throughout middle and high school, my family fell apart. For a long time, I felt abandoned and rejected by my parents, and resented the idea of being given anything. I wanted to be the father that I never felt like I had. I think my childhood curiosity turned into vain ambition and my moral sense turned into anxiety. Eventually, I realized how alone I felt and prayed to God, asking him to take away everything that kept me from him. That year, 2020,I lost much and gained the Catholic faith. One day at Mass, I asked God what else I could give him. Immediately, I was flooded with conviction to lay aside my desire for marriage and to discern the priesthood. I obeyed, with great reluctancy, and he blessed me with peace, joy, and zeal. I first considered discerning with an order that focused on the Extraordinary Form of the Liturgy. However, I eventually distanced myself from the EF community because of disagreements regarding human formation and ecclesiology. I also believed at this time that I could never be holy enough to be a religious. I think that I am still prone to silly misconceptions such as these.
I entered Holy Trinity Seminary in 2022 and thoroughly enjoyed my 2.5 years information. The witnesses of the Cistercians had a profound impact on me and sparked a deep curiosity about Our Lady of Dallas. I was too anxious in my adolescence to really enjoy school, but in my second semester at the University of Dallas, I fell in love with my studies. This was the first time I seriously thought about God calling me to be a Cistercian because the greatest joys of my life in seminary were the community life and my classes. During the National Eucharistic Congress, I was cut to the heart and realized the vastness of my resentment towards my father. I asked the Lord to forgive me and to help me forgive my dad. The very next day, I was overwhelmed with desire to follow Jesus more intimately through the evangelical counsels. Life after the congress was not easy. All my brothers were sad to leave the diocese and return to seminary, but I was profoundly homesick for seminary and just waiting to get back. I was conscious of God’s closeness and His love for me, but I started to suffer when I realized I would eventually have to leave Holy Trinity, and then leave the next seminary after that, and so on.
Fr. John Bayer gave the seniors a Cistercian-themed weekend of recollection where my desire for specifically the religious priesthood was strengthened greatly. In prayer, I saw Jesus weeping because of my sins and I tried to wipe his face clean, but he would not let me. I heard him say, “Do not wipe my face. Just gather up my tears and stay with me.” Whatever this means, I believe it is my vocation. Later, I went on retreat at the Abby and my desire for the religious life grew even more. I immediately felt at home, was attracted by the authenticity and joy of the community, and encountered Gods merciful love for me. I had never before felt such safety and I experienced a vulnerable and profound intimacy with God who loves me, despite my sins. I realized that as much as I desire to be a father, I desire even more to be a son. As I continue to learn about the life of the Abby, my heart resounds with excitement. Practically, I’m expecting a stable community life where I can grow amongst like-minded people. Ultimately, I expect to understand more the meaning of Jesus’ words, to find his cross, and eventually it’s sweetness.
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