He always makes a way
An angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, “Rise take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and remain there till I tell you; for Herod is about to search for the child, to destroy him.” And he rose and took the child and his mother by night, and departed to Egypt, and remained there until the death of Herod. – Matthew 2:13-15
Remain there till I tell you. These words captivated me and struck my heart in a way they never had before. When I arrived at seminary, something felt off. My heart was troubled but I was confident that the Lord had called me here. There was still much to grieve and mourn the people and place I had been invited to leave behind. I knew that it would take some time for things to feel normal and right. However as time moved on in seminary, I noticed deep desires continue to float back up to the surface in my heart day after day. Almost daily after I received Jesus at Mass I would think of the CFR’s and great joy overwhelmed my heart.
I spent the majority of my first semester in seminary praying with this passage that I had read hundreds of times. The Holy Spirit captivated my heart and I was captivated by the path of Joseph. My heart pondered the clear invitations proposed to Joseph and his docile response. The invitations are always clear… However, his response required so much trust. My whole first semester in seminary, Joseph seemed to give me his place. I found myself always with the Holy family holding the child Jesus… but Joseph was never there. I would sit with Mary and the child Jesus and rest with them. There is not a place where my heart feels more alive and at home, then when I am with Jesus and Mary. I always feel the most love by God when Joseph gives me his place.
All of a sudden I found myself back in Harlem with Fr. Innocent and Ryan Box in Mercedes’ apartment. In my imagination, The Holy Spirit invited me to sit next to Mercedes as we watched The Chosen. I pulled up this clip on my phone. It was like a floodgate opened when I heard the words come from Mary’s mouth: “Your father… how he never got to see any of this.” My heart was mysteriously pierced by Our Lady’s words. I instantly started to weep in my truck as I drove down the interstate sitting in the presence of Jesus and Mary.
Daily in holy hour the second semester I returned to John 14. Day after day I would pray with Jesus reassuring his disciples: “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And when I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, you may be also.” Jesus’ words inspired me to even greater hope. I desperately longed to be in the Father’s House. My heart interpreted these words as: I desperately longed to be in the Father’s House, however, I knew I was not there currently. I had great confidence that Jesus was off preparing a room for me… and He would come and get me when my room was ready. All I needed to do was patiently wait and trust. “Believe me Matthew… I will come again and take you to myself. I earnestly desire to give you my joy of living in my Father’s House. For now, remain there until I tell you.”
I had been patiently waiting to return to the Friary all year. My desire for the friar’s way of life, prayer, and brotherhood only continued to increase. The day had finally come to go back. As I approached the Friary for the second time, my heart filled with such excitement and anticipation. In a way, I was nervous. I had waited so long to come back.
As Fr. Innocent got up to preach the Gospel, Jesus spoke directly to my heart: “Let not your hearts be troubled; believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And when I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” In the mysterious and intentional way that the Lord speaks to me, I knew that The Father was telling me: “Welcome home, Matthew. Your room is ready.”
I don’t know why I’m so blessed. Jesus comes to me time and time again and speaks to me through the poor. He always has and continues to do so. It is always through the poor that make the will of God so clear in my life. My time back at the Friary was very much an experience of coming home. My journey home into my Father’s embrace has been filled with an abundance of joy, unexpected sorrows, trusting abandonment, surrender, mercy, and intimacy with Jesus. He has invited me on the most exciting adventure, love story, and pilgrimage to His Father’s House. My beloved refuses to let me settle for anything less than Himself. He continues to show me that He is never done as He unveils the beautiful mystery before me. Day after day He invites me deeper, bringing me greater healing and restoration to my poor heart. He takes me deeper and farther as I trust His gentle and guiding hand, lighting up the mysterious path set before my blurred vision. He always makes a way.
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