Why can't this just be a gift?
Hannah shares her vocation journey:
I first became aware of the possibility of a call to consecrated life at a very young age, probably around seven or eight. As a child, my parish had religious sisters actively involved: one of the sisters helped with RCIA while my mom was going through the process of becoming Catholic; when I was homeschooled, a group from the parish would go to the convent
once a week for catechesis and dinner; every spring, my family would go to the convent to help the sisters plant flowers. Since I was around sisters from a young age, as a child, I would tell my parents I wanted to be a nun when I grew up – most children want to be what they see, and I was no exception. Many childhood desires can seem far-fetched, so my parents never took this very seriously since I was very young and did not yet understand what it meant to ‘be a nun’. While my understanding and call have become much deeper, I believe this was God preparing my heart for the possibility of a call to religious life.
As time went on, especially in middle school and most of high school, the idea of religious life never fully left but was not prominent in what I saw for my future. My college years were necessary for my discernment, learning how to live in community, and just being given the space to form virtuous friendships and exercise virtue. As I was forming deeper friendships and a deeper prayer life rooted in the Eucharist, it seemed as though Christ was not trying to force the idea of religious life upon me. Instead, He was patiently continuing to invite me into being open to being loved by Him completely. At the end of my first year of school, I desired to do more than just work all summer, and by God’s perfect timing, I spent a month in North Dakota on the Turtle Mountain Reservation.
I went to North Dakota expecting to serve and give of myself, and I did. What I was not expecting was how much I would receive and learn. From the routine of a regular prayer life flowed a greater understanding of God’s desire for our souls – for us to receive the gift of His love. At the end of the month, another missionary asked a question that has pierced my heart for the past year and a half. The circumstances surrounding this question were simple: a group went to the gas station, but I did not have the chance to grab my wallet; the other missionary paid for a drink, and later that day I tried to pay him back but he declined and asked, “Why can’t this just be a gift?” It was harmless but steeped its way into my prayer life and discernment. Receptivity.
Why is it so difficult? It requires humility in recognizing that I am lacking; vulnerability, exposing this area of insufficiency; and faith that what is given will be just what we need – that goodness will come without having to grasp at it. As I brought this question to prayer, Jesus showed me the ways I have grasped at my vocation. Thinking that if I worked hard enough and prayed long enough, I could figure it out. This simple question began to shift the way I understood my vocation.
And lastly, I have known the Martyrs since my freshman year of high school but only after six years am I applying and hoping to enter formation with the community. There was an uneasiness and questions that began to arise, not questions around my yes to His love as His bride but rather in what way I will make a gift of myself. After a few conversations, I visited the Martyrs over the Easter octave and immediately felt loved and seen. After several conversations with the vocations director about how the Lord is calling me, I was able to respond in great freedom to God’s promptings to ask to enter their community. Over the summer, I have seen the beauty of spiritual motherhood and have been struck by the goodness of God throughout my day. Throughout my discernment, God has continued to speak to me in very practical ways, opening avenues to continue my discernment and continuing to put the call to consecrated life on my heart. This call continued even after trying to convince both myself and God that I am not called to religious life. God’s call on my heart does not seem grand nor extravagant, but rather He has given me the grace to recognize His voice and His movements in my life. It is as if it were a connect-the-dots; each stirring of my heart and circumstance as a dot and the lines being God’s handiwork, slowly but in His timing, revealing to me His love and call.
The most unexpected attraction to the Sisters of St. Francis of the Martyr St. George was their joy and great love for each other and me. After the first time visiting freshman year of high school, I remember hearing of their charism and thinking to myself, “no matter what I do in life, I want to live a life that shows Christ’s merciful love.”
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