“Pray and enjoy the ride”
Steven shares the journey of God’s grace in his life:
Since that first moment of being introduced to God’s abiding presence within the soul, my practices of prayer have changed, developed and in some ways, grown more passive. Whether at home, on the go, in nature or at Church, I always speak to God. For me, prayer often starts verbally as I speak to God of my concerns, wonder about His Will, and thank Him for His
faithfulness. What I have noticed is that regardless of how my prayers start, they tend to end in the silent hopeful awaiting of the Lord’s movement and presence. Sometimes, the sweetness and serenity of His presence is clear as could be, but even when it is not, my task remains to trust that He is here with me always. I see prayer now as an act of waiting, trusting, surrendering, and ultimately loving. It is not about how I feel but my willingness to show up for God however I am, and to trust Him with as much of myself as I can.
I often remind myself these days that I am only a steward, and nothing is for me, and all things are His, including my life. In this, I am reminded of a quote from Mother Teresa, “To give ourselves fully to God is a means of receiving God Himself. I for God and God for me.” To me, He is my true other and companion. Since becoming Catholic, a noticeable third party has entered my life, the Church itself. To put it simply, I am in love with the Church. When I do not go to the Church daily to sit with God and to be with her, it seems something like an act of infidelity or a broken promise. But when I do spend that time in the presence of the Church, whether it is Mass, volunteering, prayer or simply to sit and admire her, it seems as though I leave knowing something more of this new person that I love and of her role in my life and perhaps of my future role in hers. When Pope Francis said that the spirit of the Church is female, I think that I can understand what he meant. The more time that I spend with her, the more that I read about her, the more that I come to love. Oftentimes, that love comes effortlessly but at other times it comes with some work, and patience.
I think of how God has led me into this church by allowing me to know something and understand something of the role of the Eucharist, the Blessed Mother, and the Communion of Saints when I was still a protestant. I think about how God has taught me to trust in his direction, even when it comes through the voice and choices of others as it did during my Peace Corps experience. Most of all, I think of how fulfilling it was to be one of the people in my Christian community who had been designated as a counselor and spiritual teacher. I remember how fulfilling it was to show up for my community members even when I was exhausted at 3am in the morning. In the life of a priest, I see the possibility of a life where there is less distinction between what to put first, God or people. I see a life wherein love of God and love of neighbor are exercised simultaneously. In that, I see a marriage that exist between priest, God, and the Church.
When I pray to God about the discerning of priesthood and especially celibacy, my prayers always include: If you are calling me to be a priest, then I need you to make me into a true priest. If I am to be a priest, then I want to know what it really means to be in persona Christi, to be in unity with the universal Church itself as Christ is. Though I am exploring this calling to priesthood, I do not believe that I or anyone needs to be an ordained priest to live out the fullness of the Christian life. I understand that we are all called to be conformed to Christ. When I think about what it means to be a Christian, one of the first things that comes to mine is the calling to be fully human as God intended for us. What I mean by fully human, is the full on embracing of our humanity as Jesus himself did. Fully human, and in that fullness, fully reliant upon God. Jesus gave of himself so fully, that there could be nothing left but the fullness of God. We all will die, but only Christ rises, and we rise in Him and in some ways as Him for He alone is the hope of glory as St. Paul says. To me, this is the truth for all Christians, clergy, and laity. As a priest, I think it would be my responsibility to support the laity in its vocation to live a life of ever-increasing sanctity in the world and to be a living testimony to God the Father’s faithfulness and His enduring love for humanity. As Fr. Brandon said in a homily not too long ago, the reach of the laity far surpasses the reach of a diocesan priest in this world. If Christ is the head of the Church, and if a priest acts in persona Christi, then the laity is the living body of the Church, its hands, and its feet most of all. The laity to me is the body through which the spirit of the Church is made manifest in our world.
Though I am technically newly Catholic and as such less refined, I believe that my love for the Church and my practice of the church’s virtues began a long time ago. Imperfect as I am, I trust that God is working in me just as He works in all the world, most especially in the hearts and souls of those that love him. At this time, I believe that I may have a calling that can only be further explored in seminary. The habits of prayer that I had been building with the Lord throughout my entire life took off to new heights as I now had the great privilege of living under the same roof as our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament. I would spend countless hours alone in the chapel exercising love for the Lord in every way that I knew how and grieving before Him in moments of spiritual desolation. Through it all, the Lord never failed me, but instead He did greater and more than I could have ever asked for. One of the early gifts that was given to me within the first few months of that year was a great certainty and confidence in my vocation in the Church and as a priest. I recall the day when I wrote in my journal, “There is no other place in this world for me. My life and my vocation are meant to be lived in the Church.” With that God given certitude, I felt ready at this early stage to commit myself as fully as ever to the long seminary process and pathway towards priesthood. In retrospect, I can see that the Lord may have given me this early certitude for my priestly vocation to prepare me for further discernment, one that has proved itself to be more wonderful and yet more painful.
Now as I stand closer than ever at the crossroads of vocations to the priesthood as either a Discalced Carmelite or Diocesan, what I feel the most is gratitude. With my diocese I have been given the support of my vocation director and Bishop to pursue the will of God wherever it leads me with the reassurance that I will always be welcomed back to the Oakland Diocese. This calls to mind one of the first lessons that I learned about vocational discernment which is: that a true discernment can only take place between two goods, and that is what I see between the diocese and Carmelites. Despite it all, I still cannot claim with any certainty which doors will open, and which will close. As I have said earlier, the Lord has taught me through surprising experiences that I need not plan out my own future in such detail as He has the greatest designs for me and for us all. Right now, my primary hope and desire is to be at one with His will, to live for His cross and glory, and to offer my life for His in whatever way He asks. This brings me to the present where I hope to live the words that a Carmelite friar shared with me in the earlier stages of my discernment,“ Pray and enjoy the ride.”
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